Looking Deep
by CraZyPshyChoLadY
Summary: Future friends fanfic. Its quite a sad story. Warning: character death, self harm and serious issues.
1. Chapter 1

Looking Deep

Just so you know this is my first fanfic so I am may or may not continue it depending on the reviews but please review honestly. Also this stories title does have a meaning.

Disclaimer: To my deepest regret I don't own Friends.

Summary: My story is set five years after the end of series 10. Chandler was attacked and died, leaving Monica to take care of their four kids. Ross & Rachel got married, Rachel got pregnant and they moved to a bigger place in Boston. Phoebe and Mike now have 2-yr. old twins, a girl called Rain, short for Rainbow, and boy called Cameron, and are also living in Boston, quite close to Ross and Rachel. Joey met and married Andrea and they now live in LA where Joey is working on a big movie and Andrea works in set design and make-up

It had been a year since the attack but the pain and guilt were still there like an animal clinging on to Monica's chest. She felt it most deeply today because it was their anniversary and he should have been there with her. She felt responsible because he had been protecting her and the children from a knife that ended up stabbing him. For hours after he had been pronounced dead she wept her heart out with her family and friends around her, not even able to touch the surface of her grief. A week later there had been the funeral, where yet again she had just stood there weeping, along with her children and friends, as he was buried. To this day she still puts his favourite flower, narcissus, on his grave.

About a month after the funeral her friends helped her move house to Boston to be near her friends at this difficult time. They had had Chandler buried in Forest Hills cemetery on Chandler Street in Boston, it had seemed only fitting. Ah Chandler, the name tasted like sugar and poison to her heart at the same time. Even though it had been so long since she had seen him laying there with a knife in his gut and hardly a drop of blood on him, it still felt like he had been there only yesterday, laughing at his own silly jokes and playing with the kids on the front room floor. Or watching the Superbowl with Joey and Ross and Mike while she Rachel, Phoebe and Andrea had just sat in the kitchen with the children. All except Ben who insisted he wanted to watch it although he drifted back to Auntie Monica after the first ten minutes announcing that he was bored watching people play football. So she had taught him how to knit in a few minutes after convincing him it is not at all girly. Those days were perfect. She still remembered when they had first moved in to that old house, just staring around at the big empty rooms feeling scared and excited at the same time. Now she was working full time, living in a tiny apartment and, worst of all, her children barely remembered their father.

She never went to work on this day or on his birthday. She wouldn't give up on his memory just like that. None of her children understood why she cried so much because they were still too young to understand the concept of death. Erica and Jack were only five, Mia, their miracle daughter was coming up to four and Connor, their own darling son, was just two years old. How could they at so young an age be expected to understand that they would never see their dad again and how much that broke her heart.


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry if the last chapter upset anyone but I was just try to capture her feelings but I will make this a happy chapter. Please read and review honestly.

Disclaimer: I do not own F.R.I.E.N.D.S

Monica had taken all the children shoe shopping because all their shoes were tatty including hers but that didn't really matter right now because she was tired, she had the twins on toddler harnesses because they kept trying to run off, and she had Mia & Connor in a stroller wailing their heads off, so she was just trying to stay sane. The shopping trip went as well as could be expected with four kids.

In the cab on the way home Erika picked up a piece of paper but Monica didn't notice until they got back to their apartment where she started to scold her until she noticed what was in her hand. It was a lottery ticket for yesterday so she decided to check the numbers just to see. When she saw the numbers that flashed up on the screen, she nearly fainted because the exact same were on the ticket that she held in her hand. That was when she remembered them saying no one had won the jackpot. Well she just had. And it was all thanks to Erika.

Who to call first? That was the fist thought that crossed her mind after the first five minuets of complete gobsmakedness. She decided Ross and Rachel since it was her best friend and her brother so they should know first. Then she would phone everyone else. So she picked up the phone and dialled Ross & Rachel's number.

When the phone started to ring Ross put it on speakerphone so he could talk whilst helping Rach change Eves nappy and put her down for the night. When he heard his sister talking he was slightly worried because she didn't usually call during the day. But her voice sounded happier than it had done in weeks. "Hi Mon what's up " asked Ross. "Well nothings wrong if that's what you're wondering" replied Mon " But I just won the lottery jackpot" she screamed. "Mon that's great" exclaimed Ross jumping up and down with excitement. "What's great?" asked Rach as she walked in the room. "Mon won the jackpot". "Oh my god you're kidding" squeaked Rach looking stunned. " Let me talk to her" she said. "Mon that is really brilliant news, I'm so happy for you". "Thanks" Mon replied. Just then Eve started crying so Rach said " Sorry Mon I have to go Eve's crying but I'll see you tomorrow". "Bye" said Mon. Then she hung up and phoned Pheebs.

Phoebe and Mike were just watching t.v with Rain and Connor when the phone rang. Mike got up to answer it. "Who is it? " asked Mike. " Hi Mike it's Monica can I speak to Phoebe please?" "Sure Monica I'll just go get her". " Honey Mon wants to speak to you". "Ok" said Pheebs and came out to the phone. " Hi Mon" she said. " Pheebs you are not going to believe this" said Monica. " What am I not going to believe?" asked Pheebs " I've just won the lottery". "Oh my god that is so cool can I tell Mike or do you want to? Pheebs asked. "Go ahead" Mon answered. " Mike Mon's just won the lottery," Phoebe yelled in the general direction of the kitchen where judging from the shrieks Mike was trying to make a snack. " Mon I got to go before mike sets fire to the kitchen" Pheebs told her. " Ok bye" said Mon. Time to phone Joey she thought.

Joey picked up the phone saying, " who's there". " Hi its Monica and I have great news". "Really what I need some because I just dropped Andrea off at the airport she's got some thing in New Jersey of all places anyway what's your news?" he asked. " I've just won the lottery" Monica told him. "Wow Mon that's great" yeah I know but anyway the kids wanted to go out tomorrow so I invited everyone would you like to come, the kids really want to see you?" "Of course I'll come, see you in the morning". "Ok bye".

On the day that Monica deposited a cheque for $15 million in her account, she and the children took everyone out shopping and to a fancy restaurant. Back home that evening she thought back about how good it was to see them all having fun, but all she could think of was that Chandler should have been there. It was the one thing that she most dearly wanted but it was the one thing she couldn't have. Everyone had come back for coffee and a chat before they went home. Monica was just serving it when there was a knock at the door.

Everyone's eyes were on the door as Monica went to answer it. The suspension was filling the air around them as Monica threw the door open to reveal…….

Sorry these chapters were quite short but I'm not a very good writer but I hope I will get better with practise. I will try to update soon. Please review. By the way thank-you to: Raindrop96, monrachchan, violetfishy, sneaker89 & float like a sponge for leaving my first reviews. Thank-you and once again please review honestly.


	3. Chapter 3

Looking deep chapter three

Disclaimer: I don't own friends

Monica threw open threw open the door to reveal a police officer. He looking so serious it was almost comical, except for the very official notice he held in his hand. "What seems to be the problem officer?" asked Monica. " Are you Monica Bing wife of Chandler Bing?" "Yes I am though my husband is dead" Monica answered nearly in tears. She always hated when she had to say that. "Well mam that's actually why I'm here" "oh?" "Your husbands body has been illegally excumed" That was when Monica fell into a dead faint.

Several minutes later Monica was sitting in the living room with a strong and sweet cup of coffee (for shock). "Mon we can go if you want" said Rachel. Monica merely nodded and whispered yes please. When they had gone Monica turned bravely towards the officer. "Right so what exactly does this mean?" asked Monica. " Well basically it means that your husbands body has been taken from his grave" said the officer gently. Then Monica uttered a heart-wrenching scream of anguish ever heard. It went on so long and loud that the officer felt guilty just for bringing this news that had looked like it was killing this poor women. " Shall I call your friends?" asked the officer. "Yeah" whimpered Monica but then she added "But I would like to say what happened" "I'll just tell them to come" he replied.

1/2 an hour and 2 cups of coffee later Monica had just about choked it out. Phoebe and Rachel were both sobbing but that was mainly because of Monica. If someone had walked in at that moment they would have felt sick with pity just from looking at Monica's face. Joey and Ross were off to one side trying to keep in the horror they felt. Mike had sensed that Mon needed to be with her close friends and took the very sleepy kids to the kitchen for a drink.

A few days later the friends were still trying to console Monica. It was very hard to watch when Monica told the children. It was even harder seeing none of them understanding what their mum was going through. All her friends were around to help her but to Monica the only thing that could stop the pain and suffering was to be in Chandler's arms. She felt so desolate not knowing where her husbands' body was. It was just so wrong. And when she found the person who did it she would kill them. So many times over the next month did Monica feel the need to go and have a private howl at the horror of it all.

**AN. **Thank you for all your reviews. I will try to update soon. I would welcome any suggestions as how this story could be better or as to how it could go. Please R&R nicely.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 of looking deep

A/N: Thank you to "the-kalphite-of-FF-has-emerged" for the idea for this chapter

Disclaimer: Here is a magic spell to own Friends: Close your eyes count to three stand on one leg as steady as can be, hop 7 times just to be sure and Friends will be yours for ever more. I do all this and surprise surprise I don't own Friends and I'm down £50.

It was 2 months since the police officer had come to the door, but to Monica it felt like she was still hearing the news over & over again. Erika & Jack had just started school so she had to find time and energy in the afternoons to pick them up. Thankfully, they had just moved to a much bigger apartment so the kids all had space to play when they got home. Unfortunately, buying the apartment had used up quite a bit of the lottery money.

Monica often left the kids with Rachel when she went shopping, like she was today, because she just didn't have the energy to put up with Connor wailing, Mia wanting to be carried, and the twins wanting everything they saw. Just as she was walking down the cereal aisle she saw a man with his back turned to her. This man reminded her of Chandler quite a bit, and when he turned around her heart nearly stopped beating because she saw that it WAS him! Monica started to walk, then run, towards him. She couldn't find her voice so she was calling out silently, begging him not to go. Chandler looked her straight in the eye and said, " I'm sorry Monica but I have to go" then turned round and walked a few paces before disappearing.

The next thing Monica saw was a white ceiling and the anxious face of her brother leaning over her. "Monica, Mon can you hear me?" said Ross. " What happened?" asked Monica. "Honey you fainted" "What? When? Are the kids okay? How did you know?"asked Monica frantically. " Monica slow down. You fainted ½ an hour ago and someone used your cell to call me and the kids are still with Rach." Said Ross slowly and calmly trying not to upset her." Okay" said Mon her voice catching in her throat because she hadn't fainted since she was last pregnant. " Ross I think I hit my head on the shelf when I fainted" "Mon, want me to take you to the hospital to make sure everything is okay" said Ross. "Yes please," said Monica who was now crying.

A few hours, and lots of talking, later, Monica was looking into the twins' bedroom where they were sleeping peacefully after a long game of tag with Emma, earlier. The doctor had said she was fine but maybe she should take it easy for a few days. Monica had decided to keep working at her job because it gave her something to do in the day. The rest of the gang thought she was mad because the lottery money would let her live quite comfortably for a very long time. Monica called her boss to tell her that she wasn't feeling well, and that the doctor had said to take it easy, so she wouldn't be coming in for a few days. Monica worked at a beautiful restaurant where she was quickly working towards being the head chef. She hated taking time off work, but her friends would be checking up on her to see if she was doing as the doctor ordered so she decided to make the most of it.

Monica logged on to her email to see if Phoebe had sent her some wacky message, but was surprised to see a message from "a secret admirer". The email said that at 9:30 that night some flowers would be left at her door. Monica glanced at the clock; it was 9:28 so she wouldn't have to wait long to find out if it was her friends playing a joke, or if this "secret admirer" was for real. A few minutes later there was a knock at the door. Monica opened it to find a huge bunch of roses and a poem. She put the flowers in some water, then sat down on the couch to read the poem. There were no clues in the poem. Even after mulling it over, she still had no idea who the mystery person was. She decided to go to bed to mull it over. Who could have emailed her then sent the flowers and poem?


	5. Why'd she do THAT!

DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own friends

DISCLAIMER: I do **NOT **own Friends

A.N. Sorry it's been such a long time in coming but here goes...

P.S. I know I stink at writing poetry : D

_Re-cap... It was Friday night when Monica logged on to her email to see if Phoebe had sent her some wacky message, but was surprised to see a message from "a secret admirer". The email said that, at 9:30 that night, some flowers would be left at her door. Monica glanced at the clock; it was 9:28 so she wouldn't have to wait long to find out if it was her friends playing a joke, or if this "secret admirer" was for real. A few minutes later there was a knock at the door. Monica opened it to find a huge bunch of roses and a poem. She put the flowers in some water, and then sat down on the couch to read the poem. There were no clues in the poem. Even after mulling it over, she still had no idea who the mystery person was. She decided to go to bed and think. Who could have emailed her then sent the flowers and poem?_

Continued...

The poem read:

I see you from afar

But you can not see

My admiration for you

Shines like a star

You might know who I am

But how can I be sure?

I know my love for you will be

True for evermore

Signed

Your secret admirer

When Monica woke up on Saturday morning she checked her email again and found another message from her secret admirer. This one read: I hope you liked the flowers - expect more surprises soon,

Your secret admirer

After she read this message Monica realised that the children were strangely quiet for so late in the morning. Normally they would be up by now, demanding breakfast. She walked into the twins' bedroom to find the kids playing with brand new toys and wrapping paper strewn around them. She immediately went into hyper Mon- mode and started cleaning up the paper whilst asking Erica where they got the toys "A man rang the doorbell and I answered it and..." Erica started to say, when Monica suddenly cut in "You did what?! Sweetie, I have told you a hundred times - don't answer the door to someone you don't know!". "But mummy listen, I answered the door because I recognised the man from one of your pictures. Anyway he gave us a big box on wheels full of toys, and those flowers for you mummy" finished Erica. Monica looked over to where Erica and Jack were pointing and saw a beautiful bouquet of lilies, unceremoniously stuffed into a vase, still in their tissue paper wrapping, with no water. As she went to sort out the flowers she once again pondered who this mysterious person was, as this was undoubtedly the work of her secret admirer. She turned to see her four beautiful children playing happily with their new toys and she felt sad to her very core that Chandler was missing this and would miss everything about their perfect children – that he had lost his life because one selfish person mugged them for a few dollars.

As she replayed the moment when she the doctor come out of the operating theatre and told her the news that would change her life completely and plunge her into a pit of despair, she came to a conclusion in her mind. She looked once more at her children then turned and walked into the bathroom, picked up her razor and made a small cut on her upper arm, then another one. She let the wounds bleed for a minute, and then cleaned them up. She then walked into her bedroom, put on a long sleeved sweater and told the children that they were going out for a special lunch, and then shopping for clothes and games and toys - but they had to get dressed and be on their best behaviour. They stared at her for a minute then jumped to it. As she walked through the door with her children chattering beside her, Monica contemplated what she had just done, but quickly put aside those thoughts as they got in a taxi and drove off.

A.N. Kind of drastic but I made the plot swerve slightly from my original plan.

Hope I caught any mistakes. PLEASE R&R


	6. Oh dear

Looking Deep (Chapter 6) – A Friends fanfiction

Warning: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SCENES OF HELF HARM THAT SOME READERS MAY FIND DISTRESSING!

Disclaimer: I don't own Friends

Dedicated To: MoreDeliciousCream; for reviewing and making me pick up the pen again

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Monica's pattern of cutting herself continued for several weeks, without her friends noticing a thing. She found that she felt more in control of her life when she watched the blood drip slowly down her arm. She knew it was wrong, and that she should stop, but the sad truth was she was addicted. Now it only took the smallest annoyance in her life to make her want to scream. Even her own children were beginning to wear her patience. They often stayed over at Ross and Rachel's, because she was working later and later at the restaurant, to try and get some order and control in her work hours which she felt was slipping a way through her hands like sand in an hourglass. Her moodiness and inaccessibility however, did not go unnoticed by her friends. They initially thought that she was just going through a rough patch at work or something. Phoebe suggested that they talk to her, and try to see if they could help, but Rachel disagreed; saying that Mon would tell them what was wrong in her own time.

Things really came to a head two weeks before Monica's 42nd birthday. She had reached the bottom of her downward spiral. It was sink or swim time, and it looked like she was gonna sink. She had asked Phoebe to take the kids for a few days, because ''she was going through a tough time at work''. This just didn't seem like something the Mon they knew and loved would do. The Mon they knew was a doting mother even in the toughest circumstances, hard working and never complained or asked for help unless she really needed it. So Phoebe and Rachel went to see her, leaving the kids with Ross and Mike. This was the scene they walked into:

Rach used her key to get into the apartment. After not seeing Monica in the kitchen/living room, they called out to see if she was around. Just then Pheebs noticed a flickering glow coming from under the bathroom door. She went and pushed it open to find Monica in her favourite black dress, stretched out in the bath, absolutely surrounded by candles, with blood staining her wrists. Quite understandably Phoebe screamed. Loudly. Rachel ran in to see what was wrong and just stood in the doorway, not quite comprehending what she was seeing. Finally Rach had the sense to try and stop the bleeding, whilst telling Phoebe to phone an ambulance.

To Be Continued.........

A.N. I know, I'm a horrible person. But at least I updated. Please R&R. The next update should come fairly quickly, unless I'm distracted by my upcoming blood test. Hope you enjoyed the story. Oh and if people want the secret admirer to come back next chapter please tell me. That is all.


	7. The Problems At Heart

Looking Deep Chapter 7: The problems at heart

Dedicated to my gorgeous puddy cat, Willow, who sadly had to be put down on 02/02/10 after a happy 13 years. Goodbye, my precious baby, and I hope you have a cosy rug in front of a fire and plenty of dogs to glare at. I need to go cry now...

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Disclaimer: I don't own Friends

_**Previously on Looking Deep...**_

_Rachel had the sense to try and stop the bleeding, whilst telling Phoebe to phone for an ambulance._

**2 Months Later**

The friends gathered at the graveside with the other mourners. Monica's dad looked like a broken man as he sprinkled earth over the coffin's nameplate so he didn't have to see the awful truth glaring up at him any longer. It was all so sudden. Everyone thought she was getting better, then her vitals took a sudden nose-dive. She fell into a coma and died. Judy Gellar was no more.

After the car accident that had claimed his wife's life, Jack Gellar was just muddling along, so when Ross and Rachel asked him to come and live with them in Boston he said yes.

It suited everyone; Ross and Rach needed help with the kids and Jack wanted to be near his family. Especially Monica. After the close call two months ago, she was attending regular therapy sessions to talk about her feelings and the events leading up to her suicide attempt.

The children went to stay with Ross and Rachel. Monica asked them to look after them for a while so she had some time to get back on her feet. The kids hadn't been told about Mon's breakdown or suicide attempt. Erica and Jack were told that their mummy's job was very difficult at the moment and the babies were really too young to notice her absence.

Without them to care for and a lack of a job (she was 'made redundant' after her superiors heard of her breakdown), Monica had more than enough time to delve into the deepest depths of her psyche.

It was NOT a nice place to examine in fine detail. Monica's mind was a fragile place, held together by the most tenuous of bonds. At every turn her psychiatrist found new levels of insecurity, parental pressure, failure phobias and body image issues. By the end of a twelve session round of therapy, spanning six weeks, Monica was finally ready to face the REAL problems at the heart of all this.

The real problems being the baby she gave up when she was sixteen. No one but her mother knew about it. She had gotten pregnant four months before her sixteenth birthday. Her first thought was to tell Rachel but she got the distinct impression that if she did that the entire student body of Lincoln High would know within an hour.

She turned toward the inevitable but unenviable choice of telling her mother. Judy hit the roof. Actually that's an understatement, she hit the O-Zone layer. Monica was just glad that Ross and her dad were in Utah, looking around a university. When Judy calmed down, she immediately asked what Mon planned to do about 'solving' it.

Monica knew she could never have an abortion, so they decided that the best option would be for her to have the baby in secret, then give it up for a closed adoption. She had yet to lose any weight at this stage, so hiding the bump wouldn't really be a problem.

It was a short but difficult pregnancy. By the sixth month mark the doctors were predicting many complications with the birth, so they were suggesting a caesarian at thirty-six weeks. That turned out to be a week too late. Monica went into early labour at thirty-five weeks, resulting in an emergency caesarian.

After the birth of her lovely baby girl, Monica was given a few minutes to say goodbye, before the new parents came to take their baby home. They couldn't have children of their own, and had been ecstatic when Judy had phoned them to come and get the baby. To be holding this precious bundle in her arms, knowing all too soon she would have to give her up, was almost more than Monica could bear. She wanted to stay in this little bubble of tired bliss forever.

Eventually the adoptive couple came in to take her. Before they left Monica called out,

"Please, can I know her name? I just want something to hold onto, please?" she was nearly begging.

"Of course, sweetheart. We're going to call her Erica, after my twin sister." said the pretty young blonde woman.

"Thank you. I hope she's the best daughter in the world for you." replied Monica.

"Thanks. Take care of yourself." answered the proud new father as they were exiting the room.

**A.N. Come on, none of you were expecting THAT were you? I hope you enjoyed it. Please review honestly, but if the person who's been flaming my stories is lurking amongst my nice readers then beware the wrath of an extremely upset author. You have been warned...**


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